I know it’s hard to fathom that God would be the one who was trying to kill me, but let me explain before you think I have lost my natural mind. There was a season in my life where I was going through such a rough time. I felt like if God didn’t do something quick I was going to lose my mind and walk away from Christendom.
People who I thought were my friends, I found later to be false, I had family members hurt me to the core, my finances were out of whack, my health was critical, the devil attacked my daughter, my employer hated me or at least that’s the way they treated me, every door of opportunity just slapped me in the face and I found out later that I have a family history of anxiety attacks, had I not started to have them myself I probably would have never known that I had a family history of anxiety.
Talk to the elders in your family and found out your history some things you are dealing with can be a generational curse passed down from generation to generation. I had been beat down to the ground!
What was I to do? The only thing I knew to do, I fell on my face daily and cried out to God a cry that came from the depths of my soul, I was broken to the core. I have always been a seeker of God, I have always prided myself to being a woman after God’s own heart and going deep into the things of God. So, I could not understand this place I found myself in.
Finally, I came to the conclusion that someone was trying to kill me, not make me lose my mind but literally trying to kill me and I was going to find out who it was. Of course my first intuition said it was the Devil. It had to be him because I had finally come to personally know that God loved me or else He wouldn’t have sent His only Son to die for me on the cross, right?
But, I didn’t have peace with that answer, so there was only one other answer to my question, God are you trying to kill me? His answer was a resounding yes! I’m trying to kill everything in you that is not of me, everything that resembles pride in your life must die, everything that takes your attention from me I want it dead, every fleshly matter in your life must be crucified, every idol must be demolished, period.
When you worship me you will worship me from a broken and contrite heart, you will pour out of your soul until there is nothing left for you to pour, you will be empty and then I can begin to pour myself into you, when the world looks at you I don’t want any evidence of you but they will know that you have been in my presence.
And there it was, God was killing every thing in me that was not like Him, He was pruning me of every weed that was laying dormant in my life, He was plucking out of me every dead root that produced dead fruits. And it was for my good, it didn’t feel good to my flesh I can assure you that, but it was good for my flesh. I was being crucified and everything that was not like God was dying.
During that season of my life was rough for sure but it was during those times that I felt closer to God then any other time in my life, when I felt I had no one else to turn to I turned to Him, when I felt there was no one to listen me to me, I turned to Him, when there was no arm for me to lean on I leaned on Him and I was better for it!
I learned a very powerful lesson that when all hell breaks through in your life, when you find yourself in a lonely and dark place, when you feel like someone is trying to kill you, don’t automatically assume that it is the Devil it just might be God!
His Handmaiden,
Evangelist Tracy Grier
